SAMJUSTUN: Sad Poems

A Lesson

I've learned a lot of lessons
In the short time I have lived
I've learned how to appreciate
And I've learned how to give.

But in these past few months
There's two I'll remember most
I've learned how to love
And I've learned to let go.

You entered my life with such a force
And left it with one as strong
And though we tried to make it last
We both knew it wouldn't be long.

I lie at night and think about
How I'm the one to blame.
If only I would have trusted you,
I could have missed this pain.

And so I spent each day of my life
With my heart in pieces
And when I thought it could never be cured,
Something happened; I expected it least.

I guess my soul was all cried out,
And it was tired of being used.
And even though I know I'm guilty,
I was tired of being accused.

And so I've learned to end this
Without an urge to cry
These are my final words to you,
"I love you and goodbye."

The Darkness

If only it were so simple,
to cruise through life smelling roses;
but the obstacles blacken the countryside,
and we unwittingly crush them beneath our boots.

Dreams sustain us through the madness;
goals give a finish line to our race.
Yet they change with every turn, around every wall,
and remain elusive throughout the quest.

Mistakes are made, and regrets are our luggage;
we will drag them with us to slow us down.
The victories are flashes of light, sudden and unlasting, which allow us
to glimpse the road ahead before darkness descends.

Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us.
Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us.
The people whom we love shape our destinies and our strengths,
yet leave us cold and alone in the darkness.

There are others trying to race to the end;
occasionally, we bump into one or two.
The bonds we form help us down the path less lonely
but eventually, we lose each other in the darkness.

Alone is not a bad way to be;
it clears your head and focuses you on the journey.
Cherish the short intervals during the quest you have with others,
but be prepared to walk alone in the darkness.

My Love Left On A Saturday

My belt loosens slowly.
Reminders of you stay fresh
in murky ponds of suffocating tadpoles.
Wake me in the morning,
when the sun shines again.
It's frightening when all I know
falls apart.
And all I know is you.
Hunger squeezes me tighter.
My soul sags with exhaustion.
Ashtrays fill with sleepless nights.
Weeping intensifies my anxiety.
Can tomorrow come without you...
here today?
The cheap chandelier falls on my face.
The rose filled lamp explodes in my hands.
Pain is unrecognizable.
All I knew was you.
You.
My love.

I Regret

My God, why did you take my mother?
Angles took the wrong one - not her - another.
Regret is a feeling that I feel everyday;
You took her from me, and I didn't say -

"I Love You, Mom," in my own way;
Only to hear her say it back to me.
God, why couldn't you just let us be?
She didn't deserve to die;
Didn't deserve to be in pain,
Only to leave me here asking you why -
Night after night when I cry in vain.

Remembrance

She remembers it all,
All the people who had said
They cared, but did they really?

She remembers it all,
The sound of laughter and
How happy she'd been, but was she really?

She remembers it all,
His arms around her and
He said "I love you," but did he really?

She remembers it all,
The pain she'd felt when he left,
How her heart ached, but was it really?

She remembers it all,
The feeling of being so alone,
The feeling no one cared, but did they really?

But now they'll remember her,
Staring at the knife in her hand
How easy to slit her wrists, but will she really?

Perfect Even In Death

No one remembers,
I cannot say why
Only thing I keep thinking
Is that nobody tried

You were mine, only mine
No one knew you like me
I don't know why He couldn't
Just let you be

We shared so much
In our short time together,
And the time that we shared
Has made memories forever

So much I learned,
So much I lost -
Everything turned, toppled
And tossed

Butterfly flutters, then turns
And kicks . . .
Then, that sad day . . .
Was my mind playing tricks?

No cry, no movement,
not even a Breath . . .
As you lay on my tummy -
Perfect even in death

When I think of you now
At the age you would be,
A beautiful "big boy"
Is the child I see

My son you were,
My son you'll always be
And One -
That is us;
You and Me

Something

And so it came to be
this isolation that I am
I can only look to me
to find the way it all began -
this confusion, constant
hunger for something more than this
I strive to find this being
that I envision, yet seem to miss.
Could it be that I am empty-
or maybe a little lost?
Could it be that I am lonely,
or seek happiness at any cost?
This never-ending Something
that I am living deep inside,
depicts the illusion of myself
and all I have to hide.

For Sean

I wanted to
kiss the
bundles of stars
in your face

I wanted to
smooth the
rough edges of your
skin
weaved with mine
so full of
hidden pain
and
boyish innocence

I wanted to
melt into your
warm white walls

I didn't want to leave you

the heavens watched us
while we slept
in those cold
January nights

angels
full of
envy
above us

I suppose they
wanted you
to become
a fleeting blotch
of red
in my heart

I suppose
the whispers of
fate
decided to
change us

I didn't want to leave you

I always tasted the
sweetness
of your skin
as if for the last time

with gentle fingers
and sleepy eyes
we fell in love

I always tangled the
stars in your hair
I always kissed
the scars on your hands

as if I knew
we were going to
die

the angels have
you
now

the man I loved

and I have
sorrow
and
one million pictures of you

lodged in my chest

Unhappy Christmas

What did you get for Christmas?
Was it something nice?
I'm sitting here in Casualty,
My face is packed with ice.

I dread it every Christmas,
They never give me toys,
Daddy will get drunk again,
His nights out with the boys.

I know he doesn't mean it,
He's far to drunk to know,
He hits me hard for nothing,
And bruises always show.

A Christmas to remember,
The policemen had to call,
They took my Dad away this time,
He said I'd had a fall.

He's really done it this time,
An ambulance had to come,
That's why I'm sitting here in Casualty,
Waiting with me Mum.

SAMJUSTUN